Lately I have been quiet y'all and I'm sorry. It has just been one of those months, well...years. Now, I have had my share of ups and downs in relationships, but God has shown me once again that I can never get too comfortable. In everything, always expect the unexpected and stay prepared. God is always allowing curve balls. Good thing I am well equipped for the ride.
Recently, someone close to me decided that he needed a moment of silence to hear from God for a while. *sigh* This has been tough for me. Very. But how can I argue with that? He became my refuge from all the craziness in my world. In my quest to make us work, I never considered that it might be a little overwhelming because he is on his own journey. Is it just me or is this "silence" thing enough to derail your whole train of thought? lol. A much as I love to talk, not talking (as much) has been tough. Silence is merely an interruption of regularly scheduled communication. Not good bye forever..... I guess...
Throughout my relationships and life, I have developed the mindset that, 'what is meant will happen and everything that doesn't come together, just wasn't meant'. You simply can not make love happen where it wasn't meant. It's like planting a tree in soil that's not equipped for its growth.
Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires-Song of Solomon 2:7
Man, Love is a funny thing. Easy to say, harder to show. The moment it leaves your lips, you're immediately held doubly accountable for your actions. Have you ever said, "well if you love me then...." Yeah, I have to. Really, if its truly love, there's no need for 'if ,then' statements. Actions should speak loud enough for you. If you love someone, you have to love them enough to help them grow, even if that means getting out of the way.
I have gone through points in my relationships where I had nothing to say. Not that I wasn't happy, but I felt like we were taking a trip with no destination. If we were going to pursue it any further, it had to be marriage or just 'homies'. Nothing in between. And then... there is that gray area where you just don't know what's next.... that's where God is REALLY in control.
I think a lot of my girlfriends and I are experiencing the same things right now. Men that seem ideal for our 'forevers', but there seems to be one thing. We often find ourselves questioning whether 'this is it' or if God wants us to go the other way. I've talked to a few friends in general terms and they say the same things. Out of no where, their loved one took a sabbatical from there routine. That particular lapse in normalcy really derailed their emotions and they felt lost, without explanation, not sure about what to do next. I have learned that with love, it doesn't have to be complicated. Either you're in it for the long haul, or it will end as quickly as it started.
It's ok to be invisible to others as long as the one you love sees you. (GOD)
I recently found myself in a situation where the person I cared for deeply started to pull away. I found every reason why it was my fault. I really couldn't figure out what I did. I cried so many times to Eric Benet's "Sometimes I cry" that I cant even play it without my mascara ending up in my lap. I pleaded with God to reveal what was going on. The only reply God sent was to "let it go".... You know those were fighting words for me... lol.. As hard as I fought to make this "right", God told me to let it go. I just couldn't come to grips to what God was saying. But as time progressed, God showed me it takes greater power to let something go than it does to hold on to it. It has nothing to do with settling, it has everything to do with having faith. If something belongs to you, it belongs to you.
The moment I didn't have any answers, I began to search for them... in the Word. -HOLD ON A MINUTE- You see, it was all by design. God wanted me to take a break from wanting that to work to refocus on what He wanted for me. Now, I am not ruling out this man as my mate, but that's irrelevant in the grander scheme of things. God's plan for me reigns supreme. Whether he or whoever is standing next to me. My purpose in life still remains. God wants me to see if I can trust him to send me another just as great or to make him greater for me. True indeed, I feel like we were carved for one another, but I cant waste these moments in trying to figure that out. If he's mine, he will return. No other woman will quite fit the bill if I'm made just for him.
About a month ago I went to my college homecoming. Let me just say that while I consider myself saved and filled with the holy ghost, it is something about being back on that campus that wakes up every carnal fiber I have left... (which I could of sworn was all gone). Well anyway, my infamous ex was there, along with a slew of other past loves and potential "buddies". It took EVERYTHING in me to remain saved. Now before I left home for homecoming, I prayed for strength to make my current relationship work. While it is long distance, I have never thought of being with anyone else. I am(was) determined to make it work no matter what. I am not, nor have I ever been, a cheater, so I wasn't going to make this weekend an exception. Of course, I was rocking my cheetah print and was feeling "some type of way". I guess that animal print gave off the "hot and ready" signal or maybe it was my soup coolers piled with ruby red lipstick. Who knows? But anyway... my ex.. hmmmmm... let's just say he wasn't acting like he was with anyone. I laughed it up for a minute, but I knew nothing would come of it. I mean, he chose her and not me, what would I look like? As the weekend progressed, every time one of my potential flings tried to hit me up, my phone shut off or the battery died instantly. It was the craziest thing ever. I was like, "what is going on"... I could do nothing but laugh because I knew it was nothing but God. I had no intentions of slipping away with anyone, but the fact that the opportunity never transpired was even more of a miracle. Of course, I checked in every few hours with the boo to let him know I was being a good girl.. he was proud, so was I. I came back from homecoming just as "good" as when I left. And then....the plot thickens....
I get back from homecoming thinking everything was perfect when I was hit with a 180 degree turn around . Here I was thinking there was going to be some golden surprise for being a good girl during a hedonism weekend filled with wanton desires. I wasn't. Out of nowhere, it felt like everything we were working towards was in vain. It all changed. He got really quiet with no explanation and I had no earthly explanation for it . Of course, I was left thinking a million different things. I ran back to my first love ... the Word. I knew I wouldn't go wrong falling back in love with tried and true promises. The moment he stopped talking, God's voice began to resonate louder than ever before. I began to have these wild and vivid dreams. I began to foresee things that were to come. I began to speak things into existence more than ever before. I realized that his moment of silence might have been ordained by God. It was like I was cheating on God and He was no longer having it. If it meant taking my honey away for a brief period, then so be it . I was left to wonder why God wouldn't just let me have both. When will the balance between the 2 be enough? That's an answer that I am still on the quest to find.
So now what am I doing in the meantime? Becoming a better version of who I already am. I think this year has been so tumultuous emotionally that I need a break to decide what's important. After being the backbone for everyone, encouraging people even in the midst of my own storm, waking up every morning to give someone a fresh word, I need a few moments of silence. I've always been the type of person who used love as an escape from reality. A place where I could hide. But when the covers are drawn on that whimsical hiding place, I am once again faced with the reality that if I don't deal with the things I've run from, I will eventually end up running in circles. Right back where I started.
During these past few weeks of depth self discovery, I have realized that God isn't finished with me yet, if fact, He's just getting started. Every miracle that has been performed this year has shown me that God merely wants me to seek Him daily. As a result of my life's twists and turns, I have had no other choice. One of the best things that has happened to me was an ignored phone call/email/message. God was telling me that the only person that had the answers I was seeking was HIM. I could scour the earth and come up empty every time until I realized that God is the way, the truth, and the light.
As a lover of love and all things related, I think it's worth the wait. No matter the battle struggle, or war. Love is worth it. God has a love for each and everyone of us that trumps any love we can find on earth. He gives us an extra treat by allowing us to find our soul mates. In the event that you haven't been as so fortunate, don't lose hope, it does exist. The moment you stop believing, is the moment that you stop attracting it. It's out there. Listen, if I can hold my head up and keep believing, surely you can. I know that my purpose is in line with my significant other, so I can't play any games when it comes to who I bond with. If I have waited this long for the "right" person, it's no use in half stepping, and you shouldn't either.
Don't take offense to silence, it might be the best thing to have ever happened to your love. Only time will tell.....